I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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