didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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