Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam š
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dogās dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a āwater bottleā. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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