I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
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