next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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