just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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