Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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