it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
