my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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