My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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