She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
