96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
