I just pynch a tree in the face
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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