i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
