I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
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