he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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