where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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