remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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