I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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