I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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