his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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