Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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