well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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