Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
