tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
