i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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