i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Randomize
