Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
My underwear smells like fireworks.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
