I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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