is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
They took my balls.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
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