just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
