someone threw a dead crab at me
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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