I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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