My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
the day after is always just damage control
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Randomize
