You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
