So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
