We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Randomize
