i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Randomize
