please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
