i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
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