Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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