Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
