Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
