Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize