I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
