dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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