I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
