So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
