He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I have surprise drugs for everyone
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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