Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
