even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
