I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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