god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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