he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Randomize
