so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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