ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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