This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
