All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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