my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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