there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Church boner. Awkwardddd
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
