I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
