Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
