she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize